Understanding the Subtle Challenges of Birthdays for Autistic People.

Today got me thinking about something, so I thought, why not write a blog post about it? The topic on my mind today is birthdays and the expectations around them.

Now, we all have a birthday, and we all feel differently about them. Some of us count down the days until the big day (yes, even as adults). These people may love that they have a day where the attention is on them, and they get to make most of the decisions, having fond and happy memories of past birthdays. Other people hide away and pretend they aren’t happening or have not‑so‑fond memories of birthdays past. There are so many reasons why people celebrate birthdays the way they do: circumstances, culture, past experiences, and personal comfort levels.

I wanted to share a bit about birthdays and neurodiversity. I am neurodiverse myself, and my birthday is a day that I admit I do struggle to navigate. I often find my birthday is a sad day — not because I’m getting older. If I’m honest, I’m not 100% certain of the reason. Is it the pressure of the day? Society’s expectations of how we’re supposed to feel, celebrate, and react? Or is it the attention? Well, it’s a mixture of things. Sadly, for me, like many autistic adults, it isn’t straightforward knowing why.

The fact is, a lot of neurodiverse people struggle with birthdays, and it’s often a topic that isn’t spoken about as loudly as others. That doesn’t make it any less important. So here are some of my thoughts about why birthdays can be tricky for some autistic people to navigate. I’ve neglected to introduce myself until now, so if you aren’t already aware — hi, I’m Bethan, and I am an autistic coach and mentor.

So, let’s get back to the subject of birthdays. Let’s break it down, look at the areas people may struggle with, and explore some tips you might use or want to try out for yourself, your child, or a family member.

Expectations

Society has a lot to answer for in terms of expectations, and birthdays are no exception. The expectation is something like this: you’re supposed to look forward to your birthday, want to celebrate with family and friends, wake up and open your presents straight away, have a cake and blow out the candles, love every gift you receive, post celebratory photos on social media, and generally be happy the entire day.

This isn’t the experience for many people, myself included. The day doesn’t feel any different to me; in fact, it often makes me feel sad. It’s just another Wednesday. And like many autistic people, I have to put on a mask because society and family traditions mean that I will be sung “Happy Birthday” to (usually out of tune), open presents I have no idea about, and answer people asking what I’m doing to celebrate. There’s an expectation that you should be doing something exciting. As I open my presents, meeting these expectations often feels like my voice gets lost in the chaos of the day.

For some people, the expectation of how to act, what to do, and what to say is so exhausting that birthdays stop being fun. Instead, they become a source of anxiety and emotional overwhelm.

The expectation to have all the attention on you can fill people with dread and lead to days — even weeks — of worry beforehand. People watch (not intentionally) how you react when opening cards and presents or when they visit. If you say you’re happy spending the day alone or don’t want to celebrate, people may assume something is wrong. But for many autistic adults, an ideal birthday might be spending the day alone, not acknowledging it at all, and simply doing something comforting or familiar.

Tips and Tricks: Managing Expectations

Reduce those expectations. Talk to family and friends (I know this isn’t easy) about what you want to do and stick with that plan. You’re likely to be happier for it. Birthdays are supposed to be individual, so do what you want to do.

Birthday lists are great — Amazon lists, notes, or links to items. This means you know what you’re getting and reduces stress for everyone involved. And you’re always welcome to say, “No gifts.”

If you struggle with buying gifts for others — maybe reading people is difficult — just ask what they want. If you’re comfortable, give them a budget. If they don’t know, cash or a bank transfer works. It may not be traditional, but it’s clear, predictable, and removes the grey areas that many autistic people find stressful.

Sensory Challenges

Birthdays are often loud, intense, and overwhelming. Being sung to loudly, lots of people wanting to talk to you, and the expectation to have a party can be a sensory nightmare. Music, people, food textures, bright decorations, uncomfortable clothes — it’s a lot. There’s often no escape until a meltdown or shutdown happens, which can take days to recover from. Even cards and wrapping paper can be visually overwhelming.

Some sensory experiences are joyful, while others are unbearable or even painful. It’s important that the sensory environment is suitable and manageable — it is your birthday, after all.

Some people might want to celebrate at a heavy metal gig because they love the vibrations and have a deep interest in the band. But they might not cope with a fancy restaurant. Others may want to spend the day alone at a cat café because it’s quiet, predictable, and comforting.

Tips and Tricks: Sensory Support

If there’s something you love to do, do that — even if it doesn’t feel “birthday appropriate.” Birthdays are about you. If that means being alone in nature, riding rollercoasters with a friend, or having a huge party you planned down to the smallest detail — do you.

For younger children, offer choices based on their interests. But remember: it’s also okay if someone doesn’t want to do anything at all.

And side note: you don’t have to have cake. Eat whatever food you love — even if it’s a hyperfixation meal. My personal favourite instead of cake is a bag of all my favourite sweets and chocolate.

Overwhelm

Even if you want a family meal, night out, or party, it can still be overwhelming. Loud music, overlapping conversations, people singing, and unexpected changes — like a friend cancelling — can be a lot.

Surprise parties are especially tricky. Many autistic people thrive on routine and clear expectations. A surprise party goes against all of that. The questions start: How do I act? What do I say? Am I making the right facial expressions? Who are these people? Why is it so loud?

Presents can also be difficult — the pressure to react, the unpredictability, the attention. For some people, gifts feel pointless: “I buy what I want when I want.” The surprise element can be uncomfortable.

Tips and Tricks: Reducing Overwhelm

Give the person a budget and let them buy their own present or tell you exactly what to buy. Then they know what they’re getting and from whom.

Have a routine for birthdays — even if the activities change with age. If you do presents, open them at the same time each year. If family visits, set a time and duration. Make a list of who’s coming. Prepare and plan in advance to reduce the unexpected.

If presents are too much, don’t do them. Buy things throughout the year instead. Who says birthday presents have to be on your birthday?

I’d love to hear other ways you’ve found to manage birthdays, Christmas, or any other major celebrations. What do you do?